Come We Stay Marriage at 40: A father's Word

 “Before you say yes to marriage or even to a ‘come we stay’ arrangement, pause and listen. This is the story of a daughter who thought she was ready and a father who reminded her that marriage is more than love, more than excitement, more than rushing into papers at the AG’s chambers. It is a covenant, and the wisdom in this story may steady your steps.”

There was an urge I could not shake to walk into the AG’s chambers and sign that certificate. I was nearing the end of my third year at university, and everything in me said it was time to seal my commitment. My mother watched quietly, almost certain I had already made up my mind. Then came the unexpected: my father sent word. He wanted to see me. Not in passing, not in a casual visit, but in a meeting he had set.

Two weeks away. I would have to travel home from Nairobi, carrying with me both excitement and dread.

The days crawled. Nairobi’s noise did little to drown out the weight of what awaited me. By the time the two weeks ended, I packed my small bag and boarded the bus home. The road seemed longer than usual. When I finally stepped into the compound, my heart was racing. My mother’s knowing glance only deepened my unease.

The evening, I arrived, my father was in the house. He set the meeting the following day at daytime. My father valued his time, imparting countless lessons, sometimes without raising his voice. The clock ticked softly as he gestured for me to sit opposite him.

Father: “My daughter, he started, before you say yes or no to this coming marriage, or even to signing papers at the AG’s chambers, let me speak with you.”

Daughter: “Yes, Baba. I want to hear from you. My heart feels pulled in many directions.”

Father: “Marriage is not just about love. Love is sweet, but it cannot carry the whole weight. You will need respect, patience, forgiveness, endurance, and wisdom. A trial marriage may look easy, but it is not a firm foundation. When the storms come, and they will, shallow roots cannot hold. Marriage is not a test you try; it is a covenant you keep.”

Daughter: “Sometimes I fear waiting too long, or that I may miss my chance.”

Father: “Do not rush because others are rushing. Do not fear being left behind. What is real will not run away. And when you marry, remember this: you are not only choosing a man. You are choosing his character, his family, his burdens, and his dreams.”

He paused, then leaned forward.

Father: "And let me discuss a topic that many people overlook: money." Financial obligations can build or break a marriage. Do not step in blindly. Keep an account of your own; that will guard your independence and security. But also learn to contribute to a joint account, courteously and wisely, so that the two of you build together. A home must have openness in money matters but also respect for each other’s space. If one hides or dominates financially, bitterness will grow. If both act and plan with courtesy, trust will flourish.”

Daughter: “So you are saying I need both, my own and ours?”

Father: “Yes. Your own for responsibility, and ours for unity. Balance them carefully. Money, like love, must be managed with respect.”

His words sank deep, heavier than I had expected.

Father: “So, my daughter, walk with courage, but also with wisdom. Marriage is not a trial; it is a covenant. If you enter, be ready to stay. And whatever choice you make, you remain my daughter. I will always be here to steady you.”

Father: The next task you need to plan is an official visit from the MAN family. Your mother will arrange with you the necessary steps and what is required. 

Daughter: This is a learning curve and I have taken it positively. Allow me to get back to college and I should arrange with mum everything you've requested. 

That discussion was positive and informative, I told myself. There is hope. There's no more pressure for hurry. 

Things have to move diplomatically. 

Navigating social space must be managed matuary to avoid disappointments and regrets. 

my take 

Love begins a marriage, but wisdom sustains it. Patience builds it, respect protects it, and unity keeps it standing. 

A covenant endures, and trials fade. 

I headed back to the come-we-stay-marriage arrangement but strong!

Next step…Official visit 

[Learning Kikuyu marriage traditions sets in]

#@40